My wife has been invited to tea with a bunch of her friends tomorrow. I understand that this event involves drinking tea, eating snacks, and wearing big hats. If you leave out the tea, it sounds a lot like the rodeo to me.

Anyway, my wife has been planning to bake cookies for the tea party, but life interfered today and gobbled up all her potential cookie-baking time. Being a nice husband with some time on his hands and an interest in having sex again at some point, I undertook the baking of her chosen cookies.

My wife wanted Basil-Lime Shortbread Cookies, which are the girliest of all cookies in existence. Just reading the recipe made me want to put mousse in my hair. To defend my masculinity, I cranked up Netflix in the kitchen and blared an action-heavy TV series while I grated lime zest and whipped stuff until it was light and fluffy.

It must have worked. Three dozen ultra-feminine cookies are cooling on wire racks in my kitchen, and I can still tell the difference between a Remington 870 shotgun and a Winchester M97 shotgun.

Some cookies are made with love. These cookies are made with explosions, fire fights, car chases, torture, and bioterrorism.

I dodged a bullet on this one.
I dodged a bullet on this one.


7 thoughts on “In Which Cookies Attempt to Emasculate Me

  1. Did you wear an apron while you baked? I’d like to see some photos “in action” the next time you do something so girly. I won’t make fun of you, though. My Spanish mother-in-law taught me how to make an almond cake from scratch and now I’m the family expert. My mom insists that I bring one with me every time I go to her house.

    • In fact, I did wear an apron that my wife gave me, and it’s by far the sharpest apron I’ve ever encountered. Not exactly masculine, perhaps. I couldn’t envision Buzz Aldrin or Audie Murphy wearing it, but maybe Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson…

      I dug up a photo:

      For my money, there’s nothing at all girly about almond cake. A surprisingly small quantity of wild almonds contains enough cyanide to kill you. That’s pretty badass. I could drop a dump truck load of lime zest on you, and you could still skip away to Bath and Bodyworks if you wanted.

  2. Shannon Hopps says:

    I love you, Bill! This is awesome! I also tend to need balance when I get good and domestic. Baking? Shot of tequila. Wearing an apron? Combat boots. Cleaning the house? Watch “Aliens”. It all works out. This is a post I truly TRULY understand!

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