My wife had an enormous hole jack-hammered into her jaw yesterday. Her dentist implanted a post, on which a crown will later be placed. The procedure’s a bit pricey, but compared to what she’s worth, the cost is 1 divided by infinity.

The dentist numbed the area with a bucket-full of Lidocaine. My wife is one of the happy few whose mouth resists anesthetic. So by the time she was ready for the procedure, she was deadened from her esophagus to the back of her skull. Then they opened her jaw like she was an anaconda and worked on her with the world’s tiniest hammer-drill. For the final step they jammed a shiny silver post into the hole. It reminded me of the spike driven at the meeting of the transcontinental railroad.

The nurse brought her to me in a wheelchair. She needed it. The dentist had wanted to protect my wife from anxiety, so he’d prescribed Ativan for her to take before the procedure. One of my friends took this drug for anxiety a while back. The dentist gave my wife eight times as much as that fellow took, so she was unable to walk. However, she was able to stumble from the wheelchair into the passenger seat of our car. On the drive home she chatted with Buddha and the Tooth Fairy about what a bitch Glenda the Good really is.

We arrived home. As I guided my sweetie into the house she mumbled about needing to clean the litter boxes and wash clothes, as soon as she sits down for a few minutes. I told her it’s all taken care of, and that she’ll probably sleep the rest of the day. She then drifted into the kitchen, where she sagged against various kitchen counters and prepared her ibuprofen, her antibiotics, some tea, and other necessities, while I hovered, trying to aim her at a chair and making sure she didn’t put rat poison in her tea.

At last she sat enfolded in her favorite recliner, which we call “The Womb.” She had a small table beside her holding tea, water, ibuprofen, and an icepack. On the other side sat tissues, two TV remote controls, and an iPad. Two cats drowsed across her legs and tummy. I crept off to let her sleep. She called me back, wanting to know how long she should leave on the icepack, how long she should leave it off before putting it on again, and what time she could stop using the thing altogether. I answered her questions and resumed my creeping.

Over the next few hours, when I checked she was sometimes asleep and sometimes not. The TV played programs occasionally interesting enough for her to look at. I brought her some yogurt, which was good exercise since she had to repel a cat attempting to seize it. Evening found her vertical and in the kitchen, stable on her feet, and talking about food.

“I don’t know why I’m so tired,” she said with perfect sincerity.

“You went through a lot today. And you had a lot of Ativan.”

As she selected a tomato she did not reply, and she gave no sign that she accepted my hypothesis.

I tried again. “It’ll probably take a little while to recover. They carved a big hole in your head.”

She didn’t look up from slicing her tomato. “When I had my tooth pulled I didn’t feel like this.”

“Well, this was a different procedure. This was probably harder on you.”

She didn’t respond.

I considered reiterating that she’d swallowed enough Ativan to kill a pony. But I realized that my arguments meant nothing stacked against her determination to press on and function, even if wild dogs were chewing off her leg. She’s a rock. You can drill a big hole in a rock, and it just keeps rolling.

So, instead I kissed her head on the side away from the new hole. “I imagine you’ll feel better soon.”

She flipped me a smile that was a bit pained on the left side. “Thanks for doing the kitty litter.”

When I decided to become a writer, I received a license to whine. More correctly, I gave myself a license to aggravate everyone I know with my whining. They can’t shut me up, unless they want to beat me to death with my laptop and toss my body in a ditch. I think they don’t do that because I threw a great New Year’s party one time, and they’re hoping I’ll throw another one.

I whine about having no ideas, having bad ideas, not enough time to write, how much time writing takes, writing myself into a corner, hating the characters I created, having to kill characters I love, not knowing how to end a story, finishing a story and being depressed about leaving it, and reading books that make me realize everything I’ve ever written sucked. But my most profound whining comes when friends and family fail to show a slavering interest in my work and my writing process.

Perhaps a friend never gives me feedback on the 200,000 word monster I forced on her. Maybe a friend took three months to review my story, when I know that during that time he read someone else’s novel in two days. I may know that a friend read my book until four pages from the end and then let it sit on the desk for a week. Some friend may finish and point out a dozen typos, and when I press for details all she says is, “I really liked it.”

At these times I become dejected, and I whine. The fact that other friends provide me fantastic help doesn’t seem to lift my gloom.

But today I realized something. Writing isn’t an ego-boosting activity. Writing isn’t a holy calling worthy of everyone’s attention. Writing is a job. How many people have jobs about which they expect their friends to get all enthused? Sure, all of my friends read, so I expect them to be interested in my writing. But say I was a plumber. All of my friends use the toilet, but I wouldn’t expect them to get excited about how I replaced a P-trap at work today.

So I’m resolving to whine less and work more. Perhaps my friends will stop pretending they’ve snorted salsa up their nose when I approach them at parties. That would be nice. I just have to keep in mind that when I’m writing, it’s no more than the social equivalent of fixing a toilet.

On September 6, Ace Hardcover will release “Those Across The River”, a horror novel by Christopher Buehlman.  He’s a fantastic wordsmith, and he’s created a highly literate story that’s also thrilling and masterfully paced. It’s available for pre-order at Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and there will be a release party/signing in New York City, as well as other signings around  the country. Every brain cell in my skull recommends it.

Some helpful links:

Christopher’s website: http://www.christopherbuehlman.com/

Amazon’s pre-order page: http://www.amazon.com/Those-Across-River-Christopher-Buehlman/dp/0441020674

A review by John Michael Decker: http://johnmichaeldecker.blogspot.com/2011/04/john-michael-decker-reviews-those.html

Reviews at Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10772903-those-across-the-river

 

My friend Linnea wrote about the things she likes and doesn’t like on her blog, Bean on Parade. It made me realize that I have no idea what to say if someone asks me about what I like and don’t like. Since she’s sneaky and liable to ask me about this at the most embarrassing moment possible, I’m doing the like/don’t like thing here for prophylactic reasons.

Likes: Godzilla; sitting in appalling sloth with a cat on my belly; fresh spinach; anything to do with moose; dumb songs I make up; combing my wife’s hair; great dialogue; improvisational acting; Have Gun Will Travel; the smell of the air when it’s about to snow but isn’t snowing yet; ice cream sandwiches; writing when I don’t suck; spreadsheets; Netflix; old songs like Stardust and Funny Valentine; people who dance better than me (which is a lot of people); lithium; humorous books; money; apple pie; making people laugh; confidence; stories about baby ducks; teaching; cats + a laser pointer; that chick on the Progressive Insurance commercials; holding a grudge; pictures of my friends; computers; funny hats; my breathtaking collection of DVDs; Lonesome Dove; great stunts; Diet Coke; TV shows that are about the characters and not about where the green carpet fiber came from; Allison Janney; having an adequate number of litter boxes; t-shirts; insults; hot showers; vacations in Scotland; breaking dumb rules.

Dislikes: flights that depart at 6 a.m.; insurance premiums; cooked spinach; pictures of me; drawing a blank while onstage; singing songs that are too high for me; condiments; reality TV (except for that dancing one); Renaissance music; putting on a roof in the summer; Dr. Pepper; gnarled, fatty sausages; willful incompetence; tequila; broken bones; craft fairs; black olives on pizza; annoying people I can’t ignore; organized religion; food with tiny seeds that get caught in my teeth; airport security; crappy dialogue and predictable plots; firing people; shopping for gifts on a budget; Congress; neurological diseases; actors who think people give a shit about their political views; bacon; the idea that smart people are better than other people; the Conan O’Brien Show; when my knees sweat; hay fever; children that act like shrieking baboons; the deification of Michael Jackson after everybody hated him so much when they thought he was a child molester; pickles.

On the Fence: pork chops; iPhone; online chat for customer service; small dogs; vacations at the beach; high fiber cereal; comic books; green beans; magicians; Wii; my birthday; Pluto being downgraded to an asteroid; soup.

Thanks, Bean!

I am facing extinction. Technology-extinction, to be precise. I’m not incapable. I don’t fear computers; computers fear me. I program my VCR and I set up my wireless network at home. After a trip to Fry’s, I fiddle with a screwdriver for a while, and a PC appears on my desk. Yet I’ll soon be exiled to the technology ice floe and thereafter devoured by a killer whale that’s sick of eating seal. This is because I cannot understand, nor be understood by, my fellow men of technology.

My god-daughter Wendy, a sweet 9th grader, drove this realization through my heart yesterday. She sent me a text that vibrated with excitement. I text a lot, but I text in real words. Sometimes I use punctuation. Occasionally I use semicolons. Wendy’s text was:

USBM- c ths gr8 pm

? i cmpr u 2 smmr dy
u r HPOA & kewl
rf wnds FUBAR prtty flwrs f my
smmr O
smtms sn FAH
& smtms sn SITD
& evry CSA smtms gs 2 hll
by SOL or SOP
bt ur a BBW 4evr
u wnt bcm a BUFF
u wnt ESAD
whn u & ths pm r BFFTTE

whl mn LLAP or i’s cn c
whl ths is AAS no AMF 4 u

She really is a sweet girl. So I texted her back, saying, “What is this? Do you have a brain tumor?” She responded:

N! ‘tis shkspr

I pondered this for several hours. Finally I realized that this was supposed to be Shakespeare! Specifically, this should be Sonnet 18, which it resembles in no way. Sonnet 18 is:

Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And Summer’s lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And oft’ is his gold complexion dimm’d;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm’d:
But thy eternal Summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wanderest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

I sent Wendy another text, saying, “I don’t get it. Help me understand, or I’ll show up at your freshman prom with a video camera and a powder blue tuxedo.” To which Wendy texted in reply:

USBM ur qt

Should I compare you to a summer day?
You are a Hot Piece Of Ass and cool:
Rough winds Fuck Up Beyond All Recognition the pretty flowers of May,
Summer’s Over:
Sometimes the sun is Fucking Ass Hot,
And sometimes the sun is Sitting In The Dark;
And every Cool Sweet Awesome sometimes goes to hell,
By Shit Out of Luck or Standard Operating Procedure:
But you’re a Big Beautiful Woman forever
You won’t become a Big Ugly Fat Fucker;
You won’t Eat Shit And Die,
When you and this poem are Best Friends Forever Til The End:

While men Live Long And Prosper or eyes can see:
While this is Alive And Smiling no Adios Mother Fucker for you.

The fact that I didn’t comprehend her first text tells me that I shall soon be as dead as a diplodocus. But that is merely the third most pathetic fact in this saga. The second most pathetic fact is that I realized USBM means “Uncle Satan Bastard Man.”

And the most pathetic fact of all? Wendy’s revised version, all spelled out, is more understandable than the original.