Dear Santa,

I’ve been a very good boy this year. Mostly.

For Christmas I’d like a 1,000 mile long arm I can use to slap the shit out of people when they need it.

Love you. Say hi to the reindeer.

Bill

4 thoughts on “Dear Santa – Vol. 1

  1. Susan Bellefeuille says:

    Bill McCurry posted: “Dear Santa, I’ve been a very good boy this year. Mostly. For Christmas I’d like a 1,000 mile long arm I can use to slap the shit out of people when they need it. Love you. Say hi to the reindeer. Bill”

    Dear Bill

    Thank you for your very early Christmas Wish List Submission; its always best to start early, missing that all annoying holiday rush stuff that people insist on participating in can only mean bonus points for you.

    Your behaviour report cards have been extremely favourable with only very slight down turns once and awhile. All and all very promising.

    However, due to the high consumer demand for 1,000 mile long arms (order by code 1MLA’s), we will not be able to fill your request for sometime. We have waiting lists for this item that extend as far back as 200 years, (and probably much longer than that, if the screw-ups, wait I mean the Elves hadn’t sent stored boxes to the recycling plant). Christmas items such as these are hard to keep in stock and are only available while quantities last.

    We do have in stock an over abundance of Hair Extensions if your interested, but you probably have your heart set on a 1MLA (don’t blame you).

    Your order request has been processed and is in the system. You will be contacted when your number is up, I mean comes up! Expect a delivery times of 6 – 8 weeks due to the awkwardness of the item extra reindeer will need to be employed.

    Love
    Santa
    PS The reindeer say Hi back, but would have preferred treats, Just sayin

    • Dear Santa,

      I understand, although I’m really, really disappointed. I never would have thought that there have been enough good boys and girls in the past 200 years to create a 1MLA backlog, what with oppression of the masses and bloody revolutions and everything. I figured nobody got anything for Christmas in the first 15 years after MTV was launched. But I know you’d never tell me anything except the truth.

      By the way, thanks for saying that my behavior is promising! I’ll try to smooth out those down spots. I know I let the cat litter slide for a day when I shouldn’t, but I haven’t stabbed anyone with a fork in a long, long time.

      Please keep me on the waiting list for the 1MLA. There’s just no substitute. In the meantime, I’d love to get some Hair Extensions. If I can’t use them to create something that will jump out of a FedEx box and scare the shit out of someone who really needs it, then I just deserve to get coal next year.

      Love you,

      Bill

      P.S. Hi back to the reindeer, and sorry about the treats. I’m not sure what they eat, so enclosed please find some s’mores and a case of 5 Hour Energy Drinks. Flying all the way around the world in one night has got to be an ass whipping.

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